Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Dear Fat Man

Sorry for going MIA lately. Have been busy buying a car/getting haircuts/decorating/considering Christmas cards/not baking/freaking out about Christmas projects NOT getting done (which are now out of my hands). Whew. In the mean time, create your own adult letter to Santa. heheheee

Here's mine:

Dear Obese Trespassing Altruist,

This year, I have been a very passive aggressive little girl. I have not embezzeled, and I have always helped my mommy’s “special friend” with their pyramid schemes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of blank checks this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring Valium. For my daddy, please bring a new money clip. For my big sister, please bring a diaphragm. For my ferret*, please bring a cableknit sweater. Oh – and for my pool boy, please bring some work ethic.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spongebob Squarepants pajamas, and front row tickets to Mary-Kate and Ashley – plus backstage passes so I can get coked up! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my jet-ski. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!**

Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.



PS: Please say hello to the baby Jesus.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Gregg? He has been a really naughty cry-baby all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!

* Yes, I really do have a ferret. That is probably the only part of this letter that is true.
** Also true.


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